A final post, for now

I’ve received many email queries about what has happened to this blog, and to me. Here are some answers.

Over the last few months, I’ve developed some psychological and physical problems. I have nausea, almost every day, most often in public settings. I have panic attacks where I feel an urgent need to run away (I’ve experienced these in Church, and in doing things I love to do, like attending a show or a movie). I still don’t have a job, and I’m falling into debt (and may end up losing my apartment), though I have ennui and seem to be powerless to do anything about it. It’s called depression, and I’m seeing a psychologist and a psychiatrist, and I’ve begun taking some drugs.

Some of my problems stem from the job I had for 15 years, which was a menial and boring, endless Sisyphean task, working for someone I mistrusted. I did the job so efficiently, that I surfed the web all day long, and I was criticized for that, so I left (after 15 years).

And some of my problems clearly stem from the fact that I attend a Church which won’t allow me to seek love, guilt-free. I’m not talking about sex here, I’m talking about love.

And so, to remain in the Church, I’m alone, and suddenly find myself having to deal with myself, someone I don’t like very much, 24 hours every day without a break. I’ve become a hermit.

Thanks for all your concern, but I don’t think there’s a thing anyone can do. I’ve got to get myself out of this mess, and I’ve got to find a reason to do it. And soon…

Thanks for reading this blog. It was fun, for a time.

Your friend,

D. Fletcher, The Invisible Man

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19 Responses to A final post, for now

  1. Kim Siever says:

    Suddenly all my problems have become so small.

    I feel for you D. Especially about the job. I have experienced something similar where I have vastly improved the processes in my job to the point I am making myself obsolete with how efficient I am now. I keep trying to find another job, but everyone thinks I am overqualified.

    Good luck.

  2. TIM says:

    Oh, Hi! Kim. I didn’t know you read my blog. I’ve always enjoyed your posts at T&S, etc.

    What you described is exactly what happened to me. But my boss (the owner of the company) couldn’t just get rid of me, even though he tried, several times, to force me to quit. So, I finally did.

    Everyone asks me what my dream job is. Short of conducting the New York Philharmonic, I don’t have a dream job. I really left my job because I was bored. Do I just go back to another boring job?

    I’m paralyzed from making any decisions right now — I’m sure this is contributing to my ill-health.

  3. john f. says:

    D., I am so sorry to hear you are feeling down. Daniel and I wanted to hang out with you last month when I was in NYC but we couldn’t quite bring it together somehow. You say that you don’t think there’s anything anyone can do, and I believe you feel that way, but perhaps company is exactly what you need! I hope you will allow people to help you in any way they can. Please let me know if there is anything I can do to help.

  4. AmyB says:

    D., so sorry you are having a hard time. You have a lot of people who love you, L. and I included. We are thinking about you.

  5. Ann says:

    I am glad you are getting help. I’m not going to give you any platitudes, because they really don’t help. But John is right…let people in. Even when you think “I don’t want to do this, I just want to be by myself,” sometimes, doing it anyway is good, and doesn’t suck.

    I think of you so often, and was hoping maybe we could meet in Real Life the first week in June, when DH comes to NY for work and I was going to come along for a few days. If you would be willing to do that, you can PM me on the NOM board.

    Hang in there, brother. Just hang on.

  6. a random John says:

    D.,

    I’ve had job issues for only a few weeks, and it appears that I’ll be starting my new job in late March. Yet it has been the most stressful experience of my life, at least considering how long it has been. I can’t begin to imagine what you’ve gone through on that front alone.

    I can assure you that working in a boring job is better than nothing at all. There are people close to me that have depression that I am convinced is brought on by not having a job. Of course I am not a professional, but you might want to try some stuff out job wise now that you have the chance to do so.

  7. TIM says:

    Thanks for the advice, job-wise. Of course, I should be working, if only to hold on to my property. The problem is… I can’t seem to make the calls. I don’t have any particular reason to not work, but I also don’t have any opportunities coming my way, either. I did sort of think, when I left my job, that the network of people I’ve found my way into over the years would step up to offer me something, but it didn’t really happen. It’s fallen back to me to make my own opportunity, and I seem to be paralyzed.

  8. Susan M says:

    Sorry to hear you’ve been having such a rough time, D. I’ve missed you around the blogs.

  9. Geoff B says:

    D, I hope you continue to play in sacrament meeting. I loved hearing you the one time I was there in Manhattan (sitting next to Danithew). My thoughts and prayers go out to you. I would like to pass on good wishes on behalf of the Biddulphs, whom you know. All the best, Geoff B

  10. Melissa says:

    D.,

    I’m so sorry to hear about your troubles.

    I take the train from Princeton into the city about twice a month and I’d love to get together when I’m in town. Drop me an email!

    mproctor at princeton dot edu

  11. Rebecca van Uitert says:

    Hi D,

    I just wanted to say that I’m praying for you. I hope you are feeling better soon. If you need to take a break from Manhattan to get out of this funk you’re always more than welcome in Astoria…

  12. Ardis says:

    D., we’ve never exchanged a note and you wouldn’t have any idea that I’ve read your comments and consider you an important part of my online world — a key part of life because of my own hermit years and tendencies. People you don’t even know care about you. I wish we could be of more practical help.

  13. Ronan says:

    Best wishes to you, D.

  14. m&m says:

    D,
    Just wanted to add my voice to the others who have expressed their concern for you. Depression creates such a hard catch-22…you know you need to do something to get going, but you don’t have the umph that used to be there naturally to take those steps. I hope you are able to find the help you need.

    If I knew what kind of work you were in, I could try to ask around my limited network…was going to send an email to a former boss in NJ about this very topic, so feel free to email me if you want me to ask for something you might be interested in.

    mulling_and_musing at hotmail d’ com

  15. The Wiz says:

    I hope the therapy and the medication helps. Depression is so paralyzing. Love to you.

  16. Michelle says:

    Not wanting to offend anyone’s church, but belonging to a church that won’t allow love? May I suggest you seek out another church. There are many – and I don’t know of any who wouldn’t want their ‘flock’ to feel loved. Isn’t that what it’s all about?

    Find a happier church, and start living your life again.

    I hope you find peace.

  17. WillF says:

    Sorry to hear about your troubles D. I don’t know you personally, but I do know your music and want to say I think you are a blessing to have with us. Your music brought the Spirit to the funeral of my Grandfather, so I will always be grateful.

  18. Jim F. says:

    D., We’ve missed your comments and contributions. I hope you find a way out of your depression. Our thoughts and prayers are with you.

  19. Lynne says:

    D.
    My voice teacher just sent me on a mission to purchase Sabbath Song II. She said she has found the most gifted song writer, David Fletcher. I had not been to Times and Seasons in a few years but somehow I remembered your name. So now I’ve been googling you and found you here.
    I think you are noblest of the noble. I will keep praying the church changes its wrong headed policies. The still small voice has always told me its the policies that are wrong and not the wonderful people they are destroying.

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