I’ve received many email queries about what has happened to this blog, and to me. Here are some answers.
Over the last few months, I’ve developed some psychological and physical problems. I have nausea, almost every day, most often in public settings. I have panic attacks where I feel an urgent need to run away (I’ve experienced these in Church, and in doing things I love to do, like attending a show or a movie). I still don’t have a job, and I’m falling into debt (and may end up losing my apartment), though I have ennui and seem to be powerless to do anything about it. It’s called depression, and I’m seeing a psychologist and a psychiatrist, and I’ve begun taking some drugs.
Some of my problems stem from the job I had for 15 years, which was a menial and boring, endless Sisyphean task, working for someone I mistrusted. I did the job so efficiently, that I surfed the web all day long, and I was criticized for that, so I left (after 15 years).
And some of my problems clearly stem from the fact that I attend a Church which won’t allow me to seek love, guilt-free. I’m not talking about sex here, I’m talking about love.
And so, to remain in the Church, I’m alone, and suddenly find myself having to deal with myself, someone I don’t like very much, 24 hours every day without a break. I’ve become a hermit.
Thanks for all your concern, but I don’t think there’s a thing anyone can do. I’ve got to get myself out of this mess, and I’ve got to find a reason to do it. And soon…
Thanks for reading this blog. It was fun, for a time.
D. Fletcher, The Invisible Man